I've had no time to journal

so I wrote this instead. maybe this should be a series??

I think about people a lot. My brain is constantly swirling with stories I am creating about others, unintentionally. Whether that’s good or bad, I’m not quite sure yet. I think it can be both at times. When I think about what drives these stories and constant observations, I would say it’s mostly curiosity.

Curiosity about who they are, what they like… why they chose that outfit today. I think about the simplest of things — do they like creamer in their coffee or is fall their favorite season — but if I’m honest, the stories I create often go much deeper than that.

Driving from Chattanooga to Atlanta yesterday, I saw an older SUV driving beside me. In the front were two men with grey hair, one wore a bakerboy cap of sorts (which honestly was just extremely endearing), and in the back, from as much as I could see, were two older women, the spouses I assumed. The back of the SUV had a trailer hitch cargo rack attached where a large cooler and a tackle box and fishing rods were secured.

I thought about these old friends, most likely two married couples, heading out on a fishing trip together. The girls in the back like they are 15 again while the men chat upfront about recent projects around the house, the fish they are hoping to catch, and the recent natural disasters.

They all bring up old memories and talk about the kids or their families and how glad they are to be doing this trip again (it’s their 10th time going!).

This probably feels unrelated, but I think this is why I love vlogs and social media so much. It’s like this little glimpse into someone’s life. How they move about their day and what they buy at the grocery store. And although social media is often just a highlight reel, I enjoy the understanding it brings me.

What I’ve realized through therapy recently and finding out I have a lot of ADHD markers (more on that another time), I’ve come to understand, that I really just want to understand.

I want to make sense of the world around me. Why people are the way they are. It’s often been frustrating for me at times to have a brain that often overanalyzes so many things. It feels as if nothing ever gets past my brain. Not a single movement or word said or unsaid.

It is constantly looking for ways to fill in the blanks. To connect the dots.

It can honestly be exhausting.

It’s easy for me to think about the people whose brains don’t do this. Maybe they truly just float through life, taking things at face value, without a NEED to constantly gather information. I truly cannot imagine but I am sure it is nice. Peaceful maybe.

I sometimes think about the ways that life could be easier if my brain didn’t work the way it does. Would my relationships have struggled as they have? Would I have been easier to love?

My brother and I got a massage yesterday at my favorite Atlanta gem. It’s one of those shoulder and foot massage places and they have a deal on Mondays if 2 people book together.

I always do my best to relax in these moments. I remind my hands to unclench. I remind my ab muscles to untighten. I make sure my shoulders relax and do my best to let my body just be dead weight.

But while I can often get my body to find that relaxation state — my brain struggles.

“I haven’t been journaling recently. I need to journal. I also need to spend time with God. I feel like I’ve been more bitter lately, more negative. I don’t like that about myself. I think I’ve always been a fairly negative person. Why is that? What is it in me that makes it easy to be negative? But, I need to have some compassion for myself. I’ve been through a lot. No one’s inner mind is perfect. You aren’t a bad person because you sometimes have negative thoughts. Crap. You missed writing a substack last week. Wait, when are you going to create content this week? Oh! Maybe tomorrow, in the morning. The light will probably be nice.”

I often wish I could have a recording of the inside of my mind. For some reason, I think listening back would, I don’t know, help my brain to change?

I wish I could wrap up this post in a nice bow for you and tell you I’ve found the beauty in the way my brain works — and I will say, there are positives and things I enjoy about being an overthinker (which now feels like too generic of a term for all that’s actually happening) — but a lot of days the information overload and the constant analyzing and piecing together, leaves my mind tired, looking for an escape.

I believe in taking our thoughts captive, focusing on the good, finding compassion and grace for the things we don’t necessarily love about ourselves, but there is sometimes a sadness that comes with feeling that I am always longing to understand but will never be fully understood.

Maybe that’s the melancholy part of me — which is an extremely easy disposition I’ve often turned to in my life — or maybe IT IS just truly how my brain works.

Maybe I just love connection and I long for it. Maybe I just want to know your inner workings like I want to know my own. Maybe I want you to feel seen just as I, and most others, long to be seen.

I really do think that is what the majority of people are after — whether they will admit it or allow themselves to desire that or not.